Maria Yeager

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Nature’s Dance

Last week, I attended a writer’s conference in Kentucky. I went there to learn how to write from my heart as I am a scientist and am used to writing in terms of facts, not feelings. I absolutely LOVED this retreat, and I learned more in one week than in all the years I have been a writer. The retreat was led my author Paula D’Arcy. She has written many books, and I highly recommend them.

While there, I wrote a little poem about nature and dancing. I have since added on to this poem and wanted to share it with you. This is my first attempt at poetry. Hope you enjoy it!

Through the open, time-worn window,

I watch as a lush willow tree sways in the gentle wind

Like the delicate movements of a ballerina

As she moves gracefully across the open stage.

Two squirrels dance the pas de deux

As they swiftly chase each other across the dense emerald grass

Performing an allégro of frappés, chassés, and assemblés.

A cat performs an energetic pas de chat

While trying to catch its elusive prey.

As the angelic sounds of songbirds fill the air,

Small moss-green leaves drop to the ground in mini-pirouettes.

A red bird catches my eye.

He performs a demi-plié before launching into an elegant flight

Gliding gloriously through the air in a grand adagio

Against a backdrop of breath-taking azure.

The dance of nature.

Beautifully choreographed.

In perfect harmony.

 

©Maria Yeager, 2017

 

Jesus Has a Sense of Humor

“Angel” – that is the name of my beautiful kitty cat. But I should have named her “Ornery”.

She is chock full of personality, and sometimes I call her “Miss Personality”. It is hard for me to hold her and love on her because she always wants to get down and play. When I talk to her, she rolls onto her back over and over again, and she loves to talk back. In fact, she is the most talkative cat that I have ever owned. One of the funniest things that she does is when she smells something, she will open her mouth and just look at me. It is one of the funniest things I have ever seen!

When I throw a toy in the air, she jumps up so high to get it – sometimes three to four feet! I am always shocked when she jumps that high. While I write in my living room, she goes down to the first level of my townhouse and looks out the window at the birds and those who walk their dogs. She absolutely loves to do this, but every 15 minutes or so, she comes back up to “check” on me. She lets me pet her head and she rubs up against me, and then she returns to the lower level to look out the window. It is so incredibly cute!

To understand this story, I have to share my morning routine. Angel sleeps on the bed with me. When I wake up, I turn on the TV and listen to the news for about ten minutes or so, and Angel knows this, so she patiently waits for me. But if it takes any more than ten minutes, she will start to meow. Then she will jump on the nightstand and start pushing things off onto the floor. I know at that point that I need to get up and get moving.

Yesterday was Mother’s Day. When I woke up, I immediately picked up the phone and called my mom. This was different from the normal routine, so I guess it bothered Angel. While talking to my mom, she went over to the blinds and started patting them as hard as she could with her paws which made quite a bit of noise. I snapped my fingers to get her to be quiet at which point she stopped and looked at me. I continued to talk to my mom, and she went back to batting at the blinds. I gave up, got out of bed and went downstairs with her while I talked to my mom. We both laughed at Angel’s behavior – cats certainly know how to get us to do what they want!

This morning, when I woke up, Angel started to bat the blinds again with her paws. She didn’t even wait the usual ten minutes or so. I think she may have learned from yesterday that if she messes with the blinds, I will get up immediately. And that is exactly what I did! She certainly has me figured out!

Well, there is a picture of Jesus on the wall that I see every day when I go downstairs. This picture of Jesus is the same one from the book “Heaven is for Real”, and it is my favorite picture of Him. This morning, I was caught off guard as I glanced at this picture. For a split second, it looked as if Jesus was smiling….kind of as if he was about to laugh. I quickly looked back at the picture, and He looked just like He had always looked, but I knew what I saw in that split second. I smiled and then chuckled.

“Yeah, you are the one that gave her to me!” I said quietly as I walked down the steps, laughing. I then picked up Angel and loved on her, knowing that she was a gift from Jesus. I always knew that, but this morning I was reminded of how lucky I am to have this wonderful cat in my life.

The Red Cardinal – Love From Heaven

Since the beginning of the year, it seems like I have been bombarded with quotes and pictures about red cardinals.

The first quote I saw was in January on my Facebook page. This quote, by Victoria McGovern, gave me great comfort:

“May you come to find comfort in and remember cardinals appear when angels are near. So go now, sit outside and drink your tea. Keep a look out for the little red bird – it is there, your loved one will be.”

This quote was accompanied by a picture of a beautiful male red cardinal in the snow. I immediately thought of my dad since he passed away in 2014, but I doubted that I would see any red cardinal since it was the middle of winter. At my home, I usually see finches or sparrows, but only in the spring/summer. It was a nice, fleeting thought, but I didn’t think much more about it.

About a week later, a friend of mine who is also an excellent writer and photographer posted a picture that he had taken that day. It was snowing, and two red cardinals, one male and one female, sat in the branches of a tree outside his window. I was stunned! I knew that this was a sign that angels were near. Again, I thought about my dad, and I told my mom what had happened which gave her great comfort.

A few weeks later, another post came across my Facebook page. Again, it was a picture of a male red cardinal. The quote read as follows:

“Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, loves leaves a memory no one can steal.”

Once again, I thought about my dad and how no one can take away the memories I have of him. I remembered how he sat me on his lap and let me act like I was driving the car. I remembered how me held on to the back of my bicycle as I learned to ride while promising to not let go of the bike (even though he eventually did). I remembered how he taught me to calculate complex math problems for my school homework. I remembered how he wrestled with me and my brother and sister on the living room floor and had us laughing so hard we couldn’t breathe. I thought about how none of these memories could ever be taken from me. I smiled.

A few days later, as I worked in my office, I looked up at my bookcase as I took a small break. My eyes immediately were drawn to a book that I had read last year – “The Gift of the Red Bird” by Paula D’Arcy. I thought about the red cardinal once again, and joy filled my heart.

Just about three weeks ago, I saw yet another post on my Facebook page. Again, it was a male red cardinal in the snow, and the quote was as follows:

“When a red cardinal appears in your yard, it’s a visitor from heaven.”

Well, I don’t have a “yard” since I live in a townhouse. But, my mom has a nice big yard, and she loves to watch the birds in her backyard. She has a bird feeder that she keeps filled all the time, and the birds come often…that is if the squirrels don’t get to the feeder first. I called her and told her what I had just seen on Facebook and told her to keep an eye out for red cardinals in her yard.

A couple of days later, I again was surprised when I saw that another one of my good friends posted a picture that she had taken of a red cardinal in some tree branches. I didn’t have a yard, but that red cardinal somehow still managed to show up. Again, I smiled and thought of my dad.

That same day, I called my mom, and her first words were “You aren’t going to believe this!” As she sat on her deck that morning, she thought to herself, “I wonder if I will see a red cardinal today.” Not long after that, a female cardinal showed up in some bushes followed by a beautiful male red cardinal. She just couldn’t believe it, but she was so comforted. I was just shocked!

About two weeks ago, I went to visit my mom, and I stayed overnight. While we ate breakfast, we talked and looked outside through the bay window in her kitchen. Suddenly, a male and female red cardinal appeared near her bird feeder. It was probably the same pair that she saw just days earlier. The first thing that I noticed is that the male was such a bright red color and was absolutely gorgeous – probably the brightest red cardinal I had ever seen. We were both quite sure they were visitors from heaven – angels that had come to tell us that we were loved.

My mom’s birthday was March 1. On that morning, as she prepared her breakfast, she looked out the window only to see that gorgeous male red cardinal. But this time, he was sitting in the crape myrtle tree next to the house. This was my dad’s favorite tree. The cardinal looked directly at her and didn’t fly away. He just sat in the branches of my dad’s favorite tree and stared at her. It was a moment that she will never forget and is one of the best birthday gifts she has ever received. This was most certainly my dad sending his love from heaven.

Always be on the lookout for these “angels” from heaven. Love is being sent our way all the time, sometimes through the most simple and innocent of ways – we just have to slow down and look for it!

 

Walking the Labyrinth

Several months ago, my aunt recommended that I read three books by the author Paula D’Arcy that had really impacted her. The Gift of the Red Bird: Story of a Divine Encounter really spoke to me as I recently had what I believed was a divine encounter with some finches (see my previous blog). She described how she was able to feel closer to God by being alone in nature, and this made me think. How could I feel closer to God while living in the city? Where could I go?

I remembered a special place that my friend Sharon had taken me several years ago…a Benedictine monastery. It was so peaceful there, and it seemed like the perfect place to go for meditation and prayer in this busy area. At this particular monastery, there was a labyrinth. Sharon told me a little bit about the background of a labyrinth as I knew nothing about it. Basically, it is a place to go to spend some quiet time with God away from all the hustle and bustle of the day and to get clarity for any problems through prayer and meditation.

A labyrinth is a type of maze that only has a single track, so you can’t get lost in it. It has been around for thousands of years and is present in many churches around the world. The belief is that if you walk the labyrinth, you will go through three stages:

1. Purgation – you are released from all the worries of the world while walking through the winding paths

2. Illumination – a divine revelation as a result of meditation and prayer. This occurs at the center

3. Union – reflection on what you have learned as you make your way out of the labyrinth.

Well, I thought about the labyrinth while reading Paula’s book, but I didn’t go immediately as life got in the way. I was so busy writing and working on my house that I just couldn’t find the time. Then, one night, I started to read the next book by Paula D’Arcy – Seeking With All My Heart: Encountering God’s Presence Today. Amazingly, early in the book she had an entire chapter on the labyrinth! I knew at that moment that I had to make the time to visit the Benedictine Monastery.

Several days ago, I finally went and spent quite a bit of time by myself in that quiet place. No one else was around. There were many things on my mind at the time, but mostly I thought about how my life had changed since my divorce. Five years ago, I had this life of lab work, dance, and a twenty-year marriage. Now, all of that had been taken from me. Why did that happen? I had been plagued by that thought over the years.

As I started to walk the labyrinth, the first thing that I noticed was that my mind quieted. I felt God telling me to be quiet and just listen. Just listen to the birds and crickets. Just feel the slight breeze blowing on my face. Just be still and listen.

As I walked, I began to think about how the labyrinth mirrors life. We walk straight ahead in one direction, and then suddenly we are forced to turn in the opposite direction, just like what happened to me five years ago. Do the curves in the labyrinth represent our difficult/challenging times? Was this God telling me that sometimes the path we walked previously is no longer to our benefit? Is there something on that path that could hurt us, so He is taking us in a different direction?

“We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28

As I continued to walk, I noticed that some of the bends in the labyrinth were hard to maneuver without falling a little off the path. I noticed that my momentum brought me one direction while the path directed me another way. This made me think about easy it is to lose our way in difficult times. It is easy to get discouraged, depressed, or fall into a sinful life when challenges arise. I was intrigued.

The next thing I noticed is that the stones around the curves are very small in relation to the stones in the straight areas. This made me think about how, in difficult times, we have to take “baby steps” to get through it. For example, during the divorce, my strength was sapped and I just couldn’t do as much as I did when I was married. We talked at length about this exact thing in my divorce support group. We were told that some days, we would find it hard to even get out of bed. For me, these small stones so accurately depicted what happens to us, physically and mentally, during difficult times. We have to be patient with ourselves and take “baby steps” until we eventually get back to our normal lives (the larger stones).

Other ideas came to me as I continued on the journey. Some areas of the labyrinth have longer areas without bends while other areas are shorter. This also mirrors life as some times we will have longer periods of peace and stability while at other times, it comes in short spurts. Also, some of the bends are a complete 180 degrees (lots of change) while other bends are 90 degrees (some small change). Finally, I realized that some of the bends could actually represent good times that are also stressful (marriage, a move, etc).

But the biggest lesson I learned that day is when I walked into the center of the labyrinth. I realized that no matter what we go through, if we stay on the path to God, it will lead us to salvation. The little bends in that labyrinth cannot even be compared to the beauty of walking into the center of the labyrinth. I realized that if I stay on that path, even through the difficult times, it will ultimately lead me to God. Straying off the path into a sinful life is not an option. I just have to trust in Him, keep my eyes on Him, and walk through that narrow door.

“But the one who endures to the end will be saved.” Matthew 10:22

 

 

 

Hearing God’s Voice

When I pray, I always ask God to speak to me through His Word. When I open the Bible, I assume that God has me open it to whatever I am supposed to read that day. I have always done this, and I usually read something that really speaks to me that day. This is just the way I do it, and it works for me.

Today as I prayed, I felt like God was asking me to be silent. To just sit in His presence and listen to His still small voice. I have read some books recently which taught me this concept, and today, I felt like I just needed to listen to Him. Well, something came to my mind almost immediately. This had been in the back of my mind for a long time, but today, I felt as if God wanted me to delve in and understand this event in my life on a deeper level.

In 2011, just months before I found out that my husband had been having an affair, I began to have dreams that I was divorced. If you have read any of my past blogs, you will know that I had occasions of premonitions through dreams. My dad had this happen to him too – he dreamed that his brother was killed in a car accident, and a week later, it actually happened.

The first time I dreamed I was divorced, I just blew it off. I woke up thinking how ridiculous the dream was as I had no intention of ever getting divorced. When the second dream happened, I was a little bothered and wondered why in the world I would dream about something so crazy. When it happened a third time, I woke up confused and worried. I told my husband about the dream, and I asked him point-blank if he was going to divorce me. Although he denied that he would ever divorce me, his response was anything but convincing.

If that isn’t strange enough, around that same time, another amazing thing happened (although I didn’t understand it at the time). On at least three occasions while falling asleep, I audibly heard a voice say “Maria!” I opened my eyes, sure someone was calling my name, but no one was there. My husband was asleep next to me, and he didn’t move at all so I thought I had dreamed it. When it happened again, I thought that maybe it was an angel or even God trying to say something to me. Each time, I heard “Maria!”, clear as day, and when I opened my eyes, no one was there. My husband never moved, so clearly, he never heard it.

As I thought about these events this morning, I wondered if this was some kind of warning about what was going to happen to me later in 2011 when I found out about the affair. Was that God’s voice speaking to me?

I opened my Bible to Isaiah 41:

“Listen to me in silence…” Isaiah 41:1

This was interesting enough. But it went on:

“Do not fear for I am with you, do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand. Yes, all who are incensed against you shall be ashamed and disgraced….For I, the Lord your God hold your right hand. It is I who say to you, “Do not fear. I will help you.” Isaiah 41: 10-13

When I look back on these events, I now know that God was right there. I believe He was telling me that He was watching everything, and he knew every detail of the affair even when I had no idea what was happening. I believe this was His way of telling me that He never left my side during that time, and that even though I was going to be divorced, He would bring me through it. Even though I was about to go through hell and be yanked out of the life I knew, He would ensure that I would get through it and would end up in a much better place.

Always know that God sees EVERYTHING. He sees everything that is done in secret. He knows every insult, every lie, every betrayal….everything. Nothing can be hidden from God. On the other hand, He feels every single pain of betrayal. He sees every teardrop, feels every hurt, and goes through all the suffering with us. Remember – God was betrayed by Judas. He knows full well the pain of betrayal of someone who He believed loved Him.

He will always be with you, even when you think He isn’t there. God never leaves our side…EVER! As it is written in Isaiah 41:13, “Do not fear. I will help you.”

Daily Prompt: Cheat

This morning, I checked my phone and saw that today’s word prompt on WordPress was “cheat”. I have never taken part in these word prompts as I usually have something to write about, but I have to admit, I’ve been running out of ideas lately. When I saw this word prompt, I knew I wouldn’t take part in it today as the word brings back some bad memories for me. However, throughout the day, I have been bombarded with reminders of this word, and I believe I am being called to write about this topic. So, I am giving in…haha!

The word “cheat” can refer to so many things – cheating on a test, cheating on taxes, cheating at a game. But for me, the word “cheat” brings back memories of a horrible time in my life – a time when I though my life was over. Almost five years ago, I found out that my spouse of almost twenty years was cheating on me.

Those few months right after I found out about the affair were some of the worst and most painful of my entire life. This man, who just months before the affair told me that I was the most wonderful wife in the world, was messing around with a co-worker. This is the same man who, for almost the entire length of the marriage, condemned anyone who stepped out on his/her spouse. This is also the same man who supposedly was a Christian and who clearly knew that infidelity was wrong.

I was stunned at his attempt to shirk responsibility for his actions. He blamed everyone else for his actions, including me. I have since learned all about narcissism and now realize that this played a role in how he failed to deal with his infidelity in a healthy manner. He refused counseling which is also a hallmark sign of narcissism. Through my own counseling, I began to realize that narcissism played a huge role in the demise of our marriage, but not just his narcissism. It was also quite prevalent in other members of his family as well – members that had a huge influence over the entire family dynamic.

I remember certain details about those terrible months. I remember how I found him at her townhouse ordering pizza on a Friday night. I remember walking up to the door and confronting him. I thought for sure that since I caught him, he would return home and talk to me about what had happened. I was, after all, his wife. I just caught him at another woman’s house. However, he didn’t return as I had expected. He didn’t come home for four hours. I remember crying myself to sleep. I remember waking up and looking at the clock, realizing he still wasn’t home, and knowing what was probably going on at her house. I remember feeling like someone was just stabbing right in my heart, feeling so sick to my stomach, and having a pounding headache. I remember never getting an apology for that behavior – instead all I heard were excuses and justifications.

I remember waking up one morning the week after finding out about the affair and walking down to the kitchen right after he left for work. The overwhelming scent of cologne just about knocked me down as I walked into the kitchen. It followed me throughout the house as I thought about the fact that he was probably with her on the train right at that moment – the train that took the two of them to work. He had never put on that much cologne before, but he was doing it for her.

I remember how thoughts haunted me day and night. What caused him to treat me like this? How could this happen? On those days when he left to play golf or go to the casino, was he with her? On the days he had to “work late”, was he with her? Did he lie to me the entire marriage? Did I ever truly know this person? Was she in my home when I was visiting my parents? A never ending stream of horrible confusion and terrorizing realizations kept me from sleeping for months.

I remember how, in a divorce support group at church, they described divorce as a “tearing of the flesh”. They explained that when a couple marries, God joins the two and they “become one”, so when a divorce occurs, it means that the two are being torn apart. Believe me, it felt like this. It was awful.

I remember how, within the time period of just about a month, he went from this loving husband who couldn’t seem to keep his hands off me to a complete stranger who didn’t seem to care about me at all. He didn’t care about all the hurt he was inflicting, not only on me, but my entire family. It didn’t seem to bother him one bit that he was walking out on almost twenty years of his life. It’s like he went to bed as one person and woke up as a complete stranger.

It was hell. A complete uprooting of everything I knew to be true. A time where I didn’t think I would make it. But I did make it, and I am so much better for it.

I went through years of counseling. In addition to learning all about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I learned who I truly was – a knowledge of my own self. I realized that I had not been true to myself as I let others control what I did and thought. I became self-aware, and I learned to love myself and accept myself just as I am.

I also spent a lot of time with God – time in prayer, time in church, and time alone with Him. My spiritual life grew by leaps and bounds, and today I have the closest relationship of my life with God. I spend a lot of time reading the Bible and other spiritual books, and I have learned to lean on Him all the time, not just some of the time. But the biggest lesson of all is that I now know that He always has a plan for me – a purpose that at times I cannot see because of all the darkness on this earth. I thought I was surrounded by that darkness five years ago, but little did I know, the light was still shining. Today, I know that the light is always there no matter how bad the circumstances. God never leaves us.

Looking back to where I was five years ago, I can truly say that I am thankful that my husband had the affair. I actually want to thank him, believe it or not. If he hadn’t had the affair, I would still be stuck on a path that led nowhere. I do not believe in divorce, and I would have never left the marriage had he not had the affair. I have grown by leaps and bounds since the end of my marriage – emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

I remember several years ago when my therapist suggested that the affair might have been a blessing – a good thing because it allowed me to grow. In fact, my own grandmother made this same remark several years ago. I didn’t want to accept it at the time. I wasn’t ready. But today, I can truly say that some great changes have occurred as a result of that affair. I recall how it has been said that God can take bad things and turn them to good if you trust in Him. This is so true, and it certainly happened in my case. I truly believe that He reached down, yanked me out of a terrible situation, and placed me on solid ground where I could grow. God sees everything. I believe He gave me the “out” that I needed so I would be able to reach new heights. I wouldn’t be at this place today if I hadn’t been released from this marriage. Being in that marriage and family was truly holding me back from my destiny – a destiny full of hope and happiness. A destiny centered around the one true God. A destiny of true self-awareness.

Although bad things do happen in this life, hold onto hope. There is always a reason that is bigger than any of us, and most of the time we can’t see it at the time. You just have to trust. Hold onto the hand of God. Get a good counselor. God will get you through it and will bring you out on the other side in such a better place. He has bigger plans for you. All you have to do is trust in Him.

My blog address: http://www.yeagerm193.wordpress.com

Stop on by and check it out!

 

 

 

 

via Daily Prompt: Cheat

I Am A Survivor…And You Can Be One Too!

You know, strength is not just physical. Someone can be physically strong but emotionally and mentally weak. I know people who fall in to this category. However, today I am going to talk about emotional and mental strength…something that is not recognized very often. Going through rough times make people beautiful by strengthening their resolve. You know you can rely on these individuals as nothing will bring them down. I have been through it myself, and I have persevered due to the love and help of God. I want you to know that you can persevere as well.

It’s been a while since I have written a blog, and there is good reason for that. I have been dealing with some medical issues again. After receiving some disturbing news yesterday regarding my health, I thought back on everything that I have been through in my life. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, so I decided to write this blog to let all those who are suffering know that there is always hope.

My health story begins in 1986 when I suddenly came down with an acute case of appendicitis. I was brought into emergency surgery in the middle of the night, and it turned out that my appendix had ruptured. I stayed in the hospital for six days and was told that I was lucky to be alive.

Around 1990, my whole ordeal with adenomyosis began. The severe pain and extremely heavy bleeding lasted for seventeen years before I was finally diagnosed at hysterectomy. You can read my other blogs for more details on my adenomyosis journey.

In 2009, I woke up and was unable to stand as my right leg gave out from underneath me. It turns out that I had a herniated disc in my lower back and a broken vertebrae. This led to my first spinal fusion. Five months after surgery, I learned that two of the screws broke, and I needed a second surgery.

In 2010, I had my second spinal fusion. Sadly, this fusion also failed, and a third surgery was done in 2012.

In between my second and third back surgeries, just by chance, I learned that I had a brain aneurysm. I had no symptoms. The aneurysm was picked up when I had a head CT scan that was needed prior to a CT myelogram for my back. I was stunned! I had surgery, and the doctor placed a coil and stent to block flow to the aneurysm. Thankfully, the aneurysm is now stable.

While recovering from the coil and stent surgery, I found out that my husband was having an affair. I was an emotional wreck as we had been married for almost twenty years. One month before my third back surgery, we separated and he moved out. We are now divorced.

After my third spinal fusion, my left hip began to hurt. I was unable to sleep on my left side at night. This was the beginning of hip bursitis which plagues me to this day. I get occasional cortisone injections to help ease the discomfort.

Although the third surgery resulted in a fusion (yay!), I still live with chronic daily pain in my lower back. The pain still sometimes radiates down my right leg. Not a day goes by now that I’m not is some degree of pain.

In the last year, I began to have severe upper back pain. An MRI showed four bulging discs in my neck along with a couple of pinched nerves. I haven’t had surgery for this yet. I decided to go to a pain management doctor, and I have had many shots – epidural, facet joint, medial branch nerve blocks, etc. These have all given me minimal relief, so my doctor suggested I try radio-frequency. This procedure deadens the nerves that go from the spinal cord to the brain which block the pain signals. I had this procedure done, but it deadened the feeling in the middle of my back while the pain continued in my shoulders and upper neck. I actually am in more pain now than before the procedure. Sigh…

In the meantime, I have had knee, shoulder, and ankle pain, and at times, my knee and hip lock up and give out. Since so many of my joints were hurting, my family doctor suggested I see a rheumatologist. On my first visit with the rheumatologist, they took eight tubes of blood from my arm.

Several weeks later, I had my follow-up. I was shocked to learn that I had a positive ANA test. This test detects autoantibodies which means that there is an autoimmune process of some sort occurring in my body. I couldn’t believe it. So, the doctor ordered more tests, and I had eight more tubes of blood drawn.

Last week, I had yet another follow-up with the rheumatologist. This time, the blood work showed that I had high levels of cardiolipin and beta-2 glycoprotein. This means that I have a clotting disorder! She told me to start taking an aspirin a day for now, and I have to repeat the blood work in several months to see if the levels are still elevated. If they are, I will be diagnosed with antiphospholipid syndrome.

The most shocking thing about antiphospholipid syndrome/high levels of cardiolipin and beta-2 glycoprotein has to do with pregnancy complications. Apparently high levels are associated with a high incidence of miscarriage. While I was married, there were times when I was quite sure I miscarried. Until now, I thought it was a result of adenomyosis, but now I wonder if these high levels played a role also. By the way, I have no children. I wish I had this information thirty years ago! It doesn’t really apply to me now as I have had a hysterectomy. However, these levels put me at an increased risk of stroke or heart attack, so I definitely need to address it, and the rheumatologist needs to keep an eye on it.

My rheumatologist believes that my aches and pains may be due to fibromyalgia, and I have been put on Lyrica. So, for now, I live with chronic pain…pain in my lower back, pain in my upper back, pain in my shoulders, pain in my hip, and sporadic pain in my knees and ankles. I hope the Lyrica will help.

So…I know what it is like to hurt physically. I know what it is like to hurt emotionally. I know. I get it. I’ve been at that place where you think there is no way things are going to work out. I’ve been at that place where I ask God, “Why me?” But I’ve made it this far with God’s help, so I know I will make it in the future. No matter how bad things get, you will make it. Ask God for His hand, and He will guide you. With His help, you can move mountains. Nothing is impossible with God!

 

God is Holding Our Hand – A Message of Hope

This morning, I woke up to pain in my hip, leg, shoulder, and neck. This is a regular occurrence for me now. This pain has been happening for years, but I wrote it off for a long time as a result of either stress, bad posture, or side effects of my back surgeries (I’ve had three spinal fusions). Recently, the pain has become almost intolerable at times, and I began to notice that it was affecting too many of my joints to just write it off anymore. I decided to visit a rheumatologist after my family physician recommended it.

After my first visit, I had eight tubes of blood drawn from my arm. Yes – eight! To my shock, some of the results came back abnormal, one of them being the ANA test. This tests looks for autoantibodies in the body, and if it is positive, it means that there may be an autoimmune disorder present.

I went back for a second visit, and eight more tubes of blood were taken from my arm. So, I’ve had sixteen tubes of blood drawn in the course of about a month. These new tests are more specific tests for an array of autoimmune diseases, one of which is lupus. I don’t have the results yet but should get them by the end of this week.

So…back to this morning. I woke up in pain. It is really hard to get up out of bed with a smile on my face when I feel pain all over my body from the moment I open my eyes. Today was a struggle, so I picked up my the Bible on my dresser – the Catholic Women’s Devotional Bible. Before opening it, I sat down in a chair, closed my eyes and prayed.

I first praised God for allowing Jesus to die on the cross for me, and then I asked for forgiveness of my sins. I then became a little emotional asking him for help to get through the day. Suddenly, I felt the strong sensation that Jesus was by my side trying to comfort me. I sat in silence for a few moments and then just poured my struggles out to Him. I told Him that I just wanted some peace. I felt Him say to me, “Hold out your hand.” I know that may sound strange to some people, but I felt like he wanted me to hold out my hand so that He could just hold my hand. I didn’t understand this, but I did what I felt like He wanted me to do. Right at that moment, my cat, who is quite stand-offish, came up to me, rubbed repeatedly against my foot and purred really loud. This was unusual behavior for her, and I just wondered if she could sense something. Anyway, I petted her, and then closed my eyes again. I told Jesus that I always feel like He speaks to me through His Word, so I asked Him to help me to open my Bible to what He wanted me to read today.

Well, I opened it to Lamentations 3. As I read it, I was so comforted. Here are a few verses that really struck me today:

“He has made my flesh and my skin waste away, and broken my bones; he has besieged and enveloped me with bitterness and tribulation….he has put heavy chains on me…” Lamentations 3: 4-5, 7 (NRSV)

“The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul that seeks him…It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord…to sit alone in silence when the Lord has imposed it.” Lamentations 3:25, 28 (NRSV)

“I called on your name, O Lord, from the depths of the pit; you heard my plea, ‘Do not close your ear to my cry for help, but give me relief!’ You came near when I called on you; you said ‘Do not fear’!” Lamentations 3:55-57 (NRSV). This verse in particular comforted me because I went through probably the roughest time in my life back in 2012. I literally cried out to Him many, many times, and He brought me through that terrible time to a much better place. I was reminded of this as I read this passage, and I knew that even though I am hurting, He will bring me through it just as He has done in the past.

But the most amazing thing that I saw after I read these passages in Lamentations was the title of the devotional on that same page – “God, Hold My Hand”! Right as I saw it, I felt like Jesus was smiling at me, and I was stunned! This devotional was written by Barbara Vogel and talks about a very tough time in her life. However, she found comfort in Lamentations 3. She states at the end of her devotional:

“Lamentations 3 has indeed been the very hand of God holding ours.”

No matter how bad things are in our lives – physical, mental or emotional pain – God is ALWAYS by our side. Even when things seem disastrous, just hold onto God’s hand – He will get you through it. Trust in Him!

“When all the prisoners of the land are crushed under foot, when human rights are perverted in the presence of the Most High, when one’s case is subverted – does the Lord not see it?” Lamentations 3:34-36 (NRSV)

*Devotional by Barbara Vogel taken from The Catholic Women’s Devotional Bible (NRSV), (1989), Zondervan, pg. 1084.

 

 

 

The Lesson From the Finches

A few months ago, as I was writing at my computer, I heard a bunch of noise at my front door. I went to the door and looked out my peephole, and to my delight, a small bird was constructing a nest in my wreath. The wreath was just the right size that I could watch her closely through the peephole. Now, I know some people might not like a bird making a nest on a wreath on a front door because of the mess the birds would leave behind, but not me. I love all kinds of animals, and I was so happy that she chose her nest location on my wreath.

As the days went by, I heard constant singing and chirping. I decided to look up information on birds as I know very little about them. I was able to match the singing to a house finch. When she finally laid the eggs and I saw them through the peephole, I was completely convinced that this was a house finch. The eggs appeared light blue with dark specks on them, and this is what a house finch eggs looks like.

Apparently, it takes 12-14 days for finch eggs to hatch, so when they hadn’t hatched at about day 15, I became a little worried. Mom was still sitting on them, but they weren’t hatching. I said a prayer and specifically asked God to help the little finches. I was so excited to see that a couple of the eggs had hatched the very next day. I watched as mom brought food to the nest and fed the little mouths that I saw through the peephole.

A couple of days later, dad must have been visiting the nest as I saw a beautiful red-chested bird facing toward the peephole, and he looked exactly like the house finches I had seen on the computer. He was beautiful, and I watched as he fed the babies. Amazing!

However, a few days later, I noticed that there wasn’t much activity in the nest. I couldn’t see the babies, and I again started to worry. After a full day of no activity, I decided to open my front door (I had been entering and exiting my house through my garage as to not disturb the nest). To my utter disappointment, I found a dead baby lying in front of my door. I could not locate the second baby. I looked in the nest, and there were two unhatched eggs still in it, but I knew the parents abandoned the nest. I moved the dead baby bird into the grass. My heart was broken. I spoke to God and told him that I didn’t understand why the babies died. I didn’t understand why I prayed for them, then they hatched only to die several days later. I was depressed and frustrated; however, deep inside I knew that all things happen for a reason. I tried to hang onto that, but it was hard.

About a week later, again as I was writing, a bird flew straight into my window. It didn’t die – it just flew off and landed on a nearby railing. I was able to get a good look at it, and it looked like a female finch. About a month later, I attended a family reunion. After checking into the hotel room, I opened the curtains to the balcony only to find a dead goldfinch lying on a chair. At that point, all I could do was laugh. I told my family members, and all I could think was, “What is it with all the dead or injured birds? I don’t get it!”

I think my questions were answered this morning. When I first woke up, I checked facebook (as I always do). I saw a post from one of my friends that quoted Isaiah 52:7:

“How beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of him who bring good news, who publishes peace, who brings good news of happiness, who publishes salvation, who says to Zion, “Your God reigns.””

The word “publishes” stuck out to me since I am a writer. Was God telling me to write an inspirational blog today? I wasn’t sure, but it was intriguing.

I walked down the steps and into my kitchen. After making sure my cat had enough food and water, I opened the blinds to my patio. Right at that moment, two finches flew up, landed on my railing, and looked directly at me. One was a female (all brown) and the other was a gorgeous male (bright red on his chest and on his tail). Almost immediately, two more female finches showed up and landed on the railing next to the other two. They just looked at me and didn’t seem scared at all. It was almost as if they were telling me that everything is OK with them. Even though bad things happened, they are all OK. I couldn’t believe how close they were and how they didn’t seem scared at all when I moved the blinds. Even my cat came up and looked out, and they didn’t move. They just cocked their heads from side to side and looked at us. After a few minutes, they all flew away.

When my mom heard about this, she reminded me of the following verse in the Bible:

“Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care.” Matthew 10:29

I believe that today, we need to remember that we should not worry and always remember that God is holding us in the palm of His hand. He is in control. I know that in recent days, there has been much suffering in light of the police shootings and the event in Dallas, but we must remember that God is the source of peace. We need to turn to Him and lean on Him during this time. God teaches us to be loving and compassionate, and we, as onlookers to this event, need to help out others who are hurting during this time and bring them some sense of peace. This is a very rough time for a lot of people, but happy days will return, just as it did for the finches.

“Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.” John 5:13

 

The Best Mom I Could Have Ever Hoped For – Happy Mother’s Day

Well, today is Mother’s Day, and I want to tell you the story of one amazing mom – my own! I As I listened to a woman speak in church today, I realized just how lucky my brother, sister and I are to have our wonderful mom.

My mom is truly the most selfless person I have ever known. She worked constantly when we were young – from the moment we woke up to the moment we went to bed. Not only did she work outside the home, but she cooked, cleaned, took care of us and my dad, drove us all over the place, and even waited up for us to make sure we made it home safely after going out on the weekends. She helped us out with our homework and took care of us when we were sick. I look back now and wonder how in the world she did it all…and I don’t ever remember her complaining about it!

My sister has spina bifida, a congenital abnormality of the spine. I remember a time after my sister had surgery and how my mom took care of her. I remember her getting up multiple times in the middle of the night to roll my sister over because she was in a body brace and couldn’t move. I never heard her complain.

I remember nights when a stomach bug hit multiple members of the family, and my mom stayed up most of the night taking care of us and cleaning up after us. Even though she slept very little, she didn’t stop and rest. She continued to work the next day as if she had a full night of sleep. I never heard her complain.

I remember how she planned elaborate Christmas programs at the school where she taught and how she stayed up late to work on costumes and props for the show, all while continuing to cook, clean, and care for all of us. I never heard her complain.

I remember how she would buy us new school clothes when she hadn’t bought any new clothes for herself in years. She definitely sacrificed for us and put our needs ahead of her own. I never heard her complain.

As I’ve said in previous posts, I’ve dealt with some narcissists in my lifetime. There was constant pressure from these narcissists to visit them often, and many times I wasn’t able to visit my parents because of this. My mom never pressured me to visit. She just quietly told me to come see her when I could, and if I wasn’t able to come, it was alright, and she understood. Even though I know she wanted to see me more often than she did during those years, I never heard her complain.

She took us to church every Sunday without fail. She instilled good moral Christian values into us and ensured that we behaved properly both in church and in everyday life. She taught us how to pray. We were taught to respect our elders and to say “please” and “thank you”.

She listened to us as we vented to her about our problems. She supported us, but she disciplined us when necessary. She made us take responsibility for our actions if we did something wrong. She did not bail us out if we misbehaved.

She was and is always there for us. We truly are blessed to have a mom who I consider to be the best ever! Happy Mother’s Day, mom…in my eyes, you truly are the best. God has given us a true angel!

 

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