Maria Yeager

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One of the Best Narcissism Articles I Have Ever Read!

I recently came across an excellent article by Kim Saeed titled “Why Narcissists Discard You at the Worst Possible Times”. This is one of the most accurate articles that I have ever read on this aspect of narcissism. I shared this on my Facebook page, and several people commented on how true the article was, so I thought it would be a good idea to do an actual blog post on this topic. The link to Kim’s article on her website is at the end of this blog post, and I highly recommend it to anyone who has or is currently dealing with a narcissist.

In her article, Kim talks about how a narcissist will discard a victim at a stressful time in his/her life in order lure the sufferer into triangulation or trauma bonding. In my case, I believe triangulation played a role, but trauma bonding not so much because I didn’t play by the “narcissist’s playbook”. My ex decided to ask me for a divorce at the absolute lowest point in my life – I had two failed lower back surgeries, just had a brain aneurysm, and my father was sick with cancer. I could no longer work due to my back issues. He asked for the divorce just when I was cleared for my third back surgery after recovering from my brain aneurysm. I was shocked as I never saw it coming. He said that we “needed some time apart” and I agreed to that (not knowing that this is all part of the narcissist’s plan). I went to my parent’s house for four days, and when I came home, he had divided up all our assets and told me what I would be getting and what he would take. I was so confused, so I asked him what had happened – why did he do this when we were just supposedly “taking some time apart to think about things”? He just brushed me off, and I knew at that moment that he never had any intention of working toward saving our marriage. The next week, I found hidden e-mails – he had been having an affair. Kim describes this actual type of event in her article below.

After reading this article, I realized that this was triangulation. He attempted to stay a part of my life for the first few months, even insisting on visiting me in the hospital after my third surgery. I refused. He had a plan as to how the entire separation/divorce would play out, but I didn’t play his game. Instead, I retained an attorney. Everything he had planned to do (division of assets for example) did not happen as he wished. He became a person that I did not recognize. He yelled, insisted that I get rid of my attorney, demanded the return of the e-mails to him, etc. etc. I didn’t give in. I wanted out. Now, I have to say that I did at one point ask him to go to counseling and asked for a try at reconciliation, but I really didn’t want to do this. I did it because the Divorce Care class at my church taught our group that we should always try for reconciliation before moving to divorce. I gave it a weak try, but I really wanted out. So, the trauma bonding really didn’t happen in my case. I shut the door and didn’t re-open it, and this certainly made him very angry. The anger that he exhibited during that time is also known as narcissistic rage. His behavior was all textbook.

Please read Kim’s article below – you’ll be so glad you did. I was!!

Why Narcissists Discard You at the Worst Possible Times – Article by Kim Saeed

 

 

 

Daily Prompt: Cheat

This morning, I checked my phone and saw that today’s word prompt on WordPress was “cheat”. I have never taken part in these word prompts as I usually have something to write about, but I have to admit, I’ve been running out of ideas lately. When I saw this word prompt, I knew I wouldn’t take part in it today as the word brings back some bad memories for me. However, throughout the day, I have been bombarded with reminders of this word, and I believe I am being called to write about this topic. So, I am giving in…haha!

The word “cheat” can refer to so many things – cheating on a test, cheating on taxes, cheating at a game. But for me, the word “cheat” brings back memories of a horrible time in my life – a time when I though my life was over. Almost five years ago, I found out that my spouse of almost twenty years was cheating on me.

Those few months right after I found out about the affair were some of the worst and most painful of my entire life. This man, who just months before the affair told me that I was the most wonderful wife in the world, was messing around with a co-worker. This is the same man who, for almost the entire length of the marriage, condemned anyone who stepped out on his/her spouse. This is also the same man who supposedly was a Christian and who clearly knew that infidelity was wrong.

I was stunned at his attempt to shirk responsibility for his actions. He blamed everyone else for his actions, including me. I have since learned all about narcissism and now realize that this played a role in how he failed to deal with his infidelity in a healthy manner. He refused counseling which is also a hallmark sign of narcissism. Through my own counseling, I began to realize that narcissism played a huge role in the demise of our marriage, but not just his narcissism. It was also quite prevalent in other members of his family as well – members that had a huge influence over the entire family dynamic.

I remember certain details about those terrible months. I remember how I found him at her townhouse ordering pizza on a Friday night. I remember walking up to the door and confronting him. I thought for sure that since I caught him, he would return home and talk to me about what had happened. I was, after all, his wife. I just caught him at another woman’s house. However, he didn’t return as I had expected. He didn’t come home for four hours. I remember crying myself to sleep. I remember waking up and looking at the clock, realizing he still wasn’t home, and knowing what was probably going on at her house. I remember feeling like someone was just stabbing right in my heart, feeling so sick to my stomach, and having a pounding headache. I remember never getting an apology for that behavior – instead all I heard were excuses and justifications.

I remember waking up one morning the week after finding out about the affair and walking down to the kitchen right after he left for work. The overwhelming scent of cologne just about knocked me down as I walked into the kitchen. It followed me throughout the house as I thought about the fact that he was probably with her on the train right at that moment – the train that took the two of them to work. He had never put on that much cologne before, but he was doing it for her.

I remember how thoughts haunted me day and night. What caused him to treat me like this? How could this happen? On those days when he left to play golf or go to the casino, was he with her? On the days he had to “work late”, was he with her? Did he lie to me the entire marriage? Did I ever truly know this person? Was she in my home when I was visiting my parents? A never ending stream of horrible confusion and terrorizing realizations kept me from sleeping for months.

I remember how, in a divorce support group at church, they described divorce as a “tearing of the flesh”. They explained that when a couple marries, God joins the two and they “become one”, so when a divorce occurs, it means that the two are being torn apart. Believe me, it felt like this. It was awful.

I remember how, within the time period of just about a month, he went from this loving husband who couldn’t seem to keep his hands off me to a complete stranger who didn’t seem to care about me at all. He didn’t care about all the hurt he was inflicting, not only on me, but my entire family. It didn’t seem to bother him one bit that he was walking out on almost twenty years of his life. It’s like he went to bed as one person and woke up as a complete stranger.

It was hell. A complete uprooting of everything I knew to be true. A time where I didn’t think I would make it. But I did make it, and I am so much better for it.

I went through years of counseling. In addition to learning all about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I learned who I truly was – a knowledge of my own self. I realized that I had not been true to myself as I let others control what I did and thought. I became self-aware, and I learned to love myself and accept myself just as I am.

I also spent a lot of time with God – time in prayer, time in church, and time alone with Him. My spiritual life grew by leaps and bounds, and today I have the closest relationship of my life with God. I spend a lot of time reading the Bible and other spiritual books, and I have learned to lean on Him all the time, not just some of the time. But the biggest lesson of all is that I now know that He always has a plan for me – a purpose that at times I cannot see because of all the darkness on this earth. I thought I was surrounded by that darkness five years ago, but little did I know, the light was still shining. Today, I know that the light is always there no matter how bad the circumstances. God never leaves us.

Looking back to where I was five years ago, I can truly say that I am thankful that my husband had the affair. I actually want to thank him, believe it or not. If he hadn’t had the affair, I would still be stuck on a path that led nowhere. I do not believe in divorce, and I would have never left the marriage had he not had the affair. I have grown by leaps and bounds since the end of my marriage – emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

I remember several years ago when my therapist suggested that the affair might have been a blessing – a good thing because it allowed me to grow. In fact, my own grandmother made this same remark several years ago. I didn’t want to accept it at the time. I wasn’t ready. But today, I can truly say that some great changes have occurred as a result of that affair. I recall how it has been said that God can take bad things and turn them to good if you trust in Him. This is so true, and it certainly happened in my case. I truly believe that He reached down, yanked me out of a terrible situation, and placed me on solid ground where I could grow. God sees everything. I believe He gave me the “out” that I needed so I would be able to reach new heights. I wouldn’t be at this place today if I hadn’t been released from this marriage. Being in that marriage and family was truly holding me back from my destiny – a destiny full of hope and happiness. A destiny centered around the one true God. A destiny of true self-awareness.

Although bad things do happen in this life, hold onto hope. There is always a reason that is bigger than any of us, and most of the time we can’t see it at the time. You just have to trust. Hold onto the hand of God. Get a good counselor. God will get you through it and will bring you out on the other side in such a better place. He has bigger plans for you. All you have to do is trust in Him.

My blog address: http://www.yeagerm193.wordpress.com

Stop on by and check it out!

 

 

 

 

via Daily Prompt: Cheat

Blinded by Deception – a new book about narcissism

Are you interested in learning more about Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Are you looking for ways to effectively deal with a narcissistic individual in your life while enjoying a fictional story? My new book, Blinded by Deception: Life With a Narcissist might be just what you are looking for. This books delves into the life of Nikki Redding and her struggle to survive for twenty eight years in a narcissistic environment. It describes the life events that cause so much confusion and frustration for Nikki early in her life. Once she hits rock bottom, she begins to learn about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or NPD, and begins her long healing process. Through the support of her friends, both individual and group counseling, and her faith in God, she is able to pull herself out of the depths of distress and into a life full of love, hope, and joy. You will be cheering Nikki on as she travels this long road to her eventual healing! The book is available on Amazon and is available in print and on Kindle. I hope you enjoy it, and I hope that it will bring healing to others who read it!

Click on the link below to go directly to the book on Amazon:

http://www.amazon.com/Blinded-Deception-Narcissist-Maria-Yeager/dp/151168030X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1429559955&sr=8-1&keywords=blinded+by+deception

 

 

The Lies of Narcissism

Image at Creative Commons, http://www.lillylulu123.deviantart.com/art/Crying-Eye-315830804

Narcissism falls along the axis of what psychologists call personality disorders, one of a group that includes antisocial, dependent, histrionic, avoidant and borderline personalities. But by most measures, narcissism is one of the worst, if only because the narcissists themselves are so clueless.

It took me almost 49 years to learn the meaning of true fulfillment and true peace.  I had to go through an extended period of living in a narcissistic environment and looking for life’s meaning through materialistic goals before realizing that I was way off target.  I am currently in the process of writing a fiction book about narcissism that is based on a true story, but I wanted to share some basic facts on this blog about narcissism to help those who are having to deal with others with this personality disorder.

For many years, I was living in an environment surrounded by people with narcissism, but I didn’t realize it.  I had heard of the word “narcissism” but really didn’t know much at all about it and honestly, I didn’t care to know.  Little did I know that I was surrounded by narcissistic behavior and that I had been a victim of narcissistic abuse for quite some time.

Basically, narcissists are very selfish people.  They are known to lack empathy for others and are known for always placing the blame on others rather than taking responsibility for their own actions.  In my case, I was made to feel like I was the problem even if the issue had absolutely nothing to do with me.  This led to me questioning myself constantly which eventually led to depression.  I knew deep down inside that this thinking was twisted, but I managed to always make excuses rather than face the difficult decision to end these destructive relationships.  The best way to describe it was that my soul was restless, and I did not have true inner peace.  To satisfy the narcissist’s demands, I was continually finding that I had to turn my back on my own values.  This struck right at the core of my soul, and I was miserable.

Thankfully, these destructive relationships did come to an end through the action of the actual narcissist.  I was no longer any use to this person, so I was left as if I was a piece of garbage.  However, this was probably the best thing that ever happened to me as I it opened the door to my healing.

The following are some of the characteristics of someone with a narcissistic personality disorder:

1. Lack of remorse for their mistakes

2. Does not care about the consequences of his/her actions

3. Pathological lying

4. Very charming; can get emotional in public, but this is all a show to manipulate others

5. Expects victim to follow along without question.  He/she tells victim what to do rather than ask.

6. Controls spending of others, but he/she spends freely on themselves

7. He/she doesn’t listen simply because they don’t care

8. Gaslighting – manipulative behavior, takes advantage of others

9. Projects faults onto others – blaming others for their problems

10. Lack of empathy – doesn’t care about the needs or feelings of others

11. Highly contradictory

12. Breaks others down that they feel are inferior

13. Thinking he/she is better than others

14. Core of concern is power, success, attractiveness

15. Needs to be center of attention and requires constant praise

16. Appears unemotional

17. Easily hurt or rejected

Narcissists come across as being very egocentric and sure of themselves, but the root of the problem, believe it or not, is insecurity.  It has been shown that those affected by this personality disorder are actually very insecure and they use the above behaviors to feel better about themselves.

Recovering from narcissistic abuse can be a long process, but you can recover and live a truly fulfilling life.  First and foremost, you must realize that YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM!  The narcissist can be very cunning and manipulative.  It is important that you realize this.  If you are with someone who refuses to take responsibility for his/her actions and wants to blame everyone else for their problems, the best thing to do is to get out of that relationship if possible.  Narcissists do not want to change and they do not want to be criticized in any way, shape or form.  In fact, “narcissistic rage” is a known feature of this personality disorder, and they can become very mean and vindictive when questioned.  The narcissist has the problem, not you!

Realize that no matter what you say or do, the narcissist will not have sympathy or empathy for any of your problems, no matter what they are.  If the problems do not directly affect him/her in some way, they don’t care if you are suffering.  Remember, they are the center of their world, and the rest of the world are just puppets to be manipulated so that they can get what they want.  They truly believe “the ends justify the means” no matter who they have to run over to get there.

Next, remember that narcissists truly believe that they are always right.  It is pointless to get into an argument with them because you will never win.  They will end up making you question your own sanity because they are expert manipulators.  Additionally, narcissists believe that they don’t need any help.  Counseling a narcissist is very difficult because they will not admit to shortcomings.

Bottom line – if you feel like you are in a relationship with a narcissist, please get some help.  Leave the relationship if possible.  Be educated about how narcissists function so you can deal with them as effectively as possible.  Trust your intuition…..if you feel something is wrong, it probably is!

As for me, I am now at a place of true fulfillment and peace.  By going through the healing process, I have not only learned how to recognize this personality disorder but I have also learned how to deal with this type of person more effectively.  But the biggest lesson of all is the lesson of selfishness vs. selflessness.  Over the past several years, I have been a volunteer at a thrift shop and found immense happiness in helping those who are less fortunate.  I have also started up a website on adenomyosis (similar to endometroisis) which I suffered from for 17 years.  Women from all over the world are accessing this site, and I constantly get “thank you” messages for making this information available to them and for letting them know that they are not alone.  I am also writing this blog to help to inspire others to become the best they can be.

But the most important thing of all is putting all of my trust in God.  Without Him, I would never have been able to come as far as I have in the healing process.  He has literally carried me through some of the toughest times of my life.

Between trusting God completely, helping others, and putting other’s needs before my own, I have finally found true happiess, peace and fulfillment.  I realize now that selfishness in the form of narcissism will never bring true happiness.  Looks, finances, material objects, etc. will all vanish one day, but the selfless acts of a Christian person will never be forgotten.  God not only saved me, but he showed me the way to true happiness.  Selflessness is the key.  My soul is finally at peace.

“For the Lord watches over the way of the righteous, but the way of the wicked will perish.” Psalms 1:6

“The arrogant cannot stand in your presence; you hate all who do wrong.  You destroy those who tell lies; bloodthirsty and deceitful men the Lord abhors……For surely, O Lord, you bless the righteous; you surround them with your favor as a shield.” Psalms 5: 5-6, 12

“I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace.  In this world, you will have trouble.  But take heart!  I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

 

Sources:

Narcissistic Personality Disorder, http://www.mayoclinic.org

Recovering From Narcissistic Abuse, by Andrea Schneider, LCSW, http://www.goodtherapy.org

 

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